My Real Hue by Daniel Yves Eisner

Author:Daniel Yves Eisner
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Family & Relationships, Dysfunctional Families, Biography & Autobiography, Lgbt
Publisher: Page Publishing Inc
Published: 2017-05-16T04:00:00+00:00

I flew back to New York to visit my family for the first time since I moved. What prompted the decision wasn’t the verbal rejection from John nor the more silent one from Larry, but rather the feeling that the other shoe of my sexuality wouldn’t drop until my family knew I was gay.

For the second time, I was bringing a male friend with me. Larry and I had grown close since he had confessed his love for Ollie. He didn’t live far from me. We often took weekend walks together and conversed about life. I remained sexually attracted to him but valued our friendship too much to compromise it the way I had John’s. Like John, Larry was a catalyst in my blossoming as a gay man and volunteered his support when I informed him of my desire to come out to my parents.

The summer of 1983, like many New York summers, was hot and muggy. Larry and I visited with my parents under the guise of doing some summer sightseeing in the city. My parents stayed in their Manhattan apartment I spent years living in during my twenties.

Larry advised me not to wait until the end of the trip to deliver the news. He cautioned against pushing it back any further than I had already. I agreed, and on our very first morning, I made my move. While Larry and my father conversed in the living room, I asked my mother if I could speak with her privately. My father and brother’s approval was an afterthought. Ma was the one who needed to know first.

We went into her bedroom. She sat down on the corner of the bed and beckoned me to sit next to her. I opted for a place on the rarely used Exercycle instead. Sitting beside her on a bed for this sort of revelation would not work.

“Ma,” I said, clearing my throat and fiddling with the pedals on the bike. “I have something to tell you.”

“Yes … fine,” she said. “But stop fiddling with that machine, please.”

I looked up briefly to see her seated with her hands in her lap. Ma stared at me with a blank expression, conveying neither patience nor warmth. I took my feet off the pedals and planted them on either side of the bike.

“Ma,” I said. “I am attracted to men.”

I kept my eyes down at the bike, one of the pedals still spun.

“I always have been,” I said.

The pedal stopped. I took in a clunky breath and pushed it out.

“I’m gay.”

I drained my lungs of air and finally looked up at her. Her lips pursed into a familiar smile, but otherwise, she remained motionless.

“I know,” she said, like I had just delivered a piece of banal trivia.

Her face was completely devoid of emotion. No surprise. No anger. No concern.

I glanced at her, looking for something, anything to grasp. No relief.

“I’ve always known, but I still love you anyway.”

I floated off the cycle and moved to embrace her. The worst part—the revelation—was over.

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